My Friend Loneliness

I sit alone in the dark room again, the night rain knocks on my window in morse code asking if I am ok? So I quickly tap back -. — to it. With the howl of the wind it disappears for a brief second just to come back with company. He is joined by loneliness, I look at them through my closed window trying to decide should I let them in or not.

From the attic I can sense something looking down at me so I decide to let them in to build up courage through company. I open the window and the feeling of unease together with the mysterious eyes disappears. Loneliness sits beside me and the rain says it would rather stay outside so I shake its wet hand and close the window again.

We talk in silence without end as no words are required, she reads my emotions and I can hear her clearly in my head. We move all sorts of events from the past, present and future. All my worries, doubts, fears and regrets. She listens patiently and I know I can let my thoughts flow like the tear on my cheek. And when I am done she gives me her opinion telling me it will get better and what’s in the past is in the past. We soon switch roles and she starts to tell me what troubles her that people often fear and hurt her when she didn’t do anything wrong. I notice the rain outside listening to her in secret as if he can relate to what she is saying. I show her my understanding unfortunately there is not much I can but try to make some people aware of what she feels.

We sit like this till the morning comes and the last droplets of rain tap on the window saying it’s time for them to go so I open the window to let the loneliness out saying goodbye wondering when she will come again. I finally go to bed trying to find sleep yet in my head is the question which loneliness asked me. “Why do people fear me and don’t like me? I just come to those who are alone to keep them company and yet they call me loneliness.”

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Garden as a gift

A while ago my parents decided to make Paulina and me a special surprise and decided to speed up our plan for the new home and fulfill our long-awaited dream.

Since we both moved out to live together many years ago we couldn’t find a place for ourselves, that place of our own. First we moved in to a small house with a crazy lady, we did our best to be polite but in the end it was impossible to live with her. In desperation we started looking for another place to rent but there was nothing on the market that was suitable. Luckily at the time my parents were forced to move out due to landlord selling the property just like we did 2 months ago. Fortunately for us they decided to rent a bigger house and offer us a room until we find something to rent. It was meant to last for no longer then 3 months, that’s what I hoped for but it turned  out to be 2 years. Living there was good and easy no complaints but it wasn’t our place, we were tired of living with other people. Almost two years ago we finally moved out to live on our own, we rushed to whole process but it was necessary (long story for another time). It was a small apartment nothing exciting but it was ours and oh my we felt free. We could do whatever we want whenever we want without disturbing others or being judged. Having a dog didn’t make living in apartment easy and when second dog came it was even harder. For a long while we were dreaming of a house instead of an apartment, with rooms that take more than two steps to walk through, a proper kitchen and mostly a big garden for the dogs to play and our pleasure. Following that dream I always wanted to have my own garden to have the joy of watching the things I plant bloom. Probably because all my family is into gardening some in their private gardens while the rest works as professional gardeners and seeing their work made me want to try it as well.

Things finally fell in place maybe not in perfect conditions but we made it work we finally have a big house for the two of us and large garden, everything was looking great. So we decided to give chase to that small dream and make our plain bald garden beautiful. We went shopping and by occasion picked up few flowers, two lovely Dahlias and few small bedding plants that looked very dead and mostly are. Eagerly we planted our first plants together and it looked great until it started raining and we realized that we planted the flowers in a spot where the water gathers the most and they drowned.

It was sad to see but we stayed positive and started planing further as two flowers on a 10 meter stretch just doesn’t look right. The extension was getting postponed due to lack of time and priorities, and in a way I’m glad it did. One evening my father called me asking if they can come visit and he might also get us something for the garden we were delighted for their visit and a third plant would be nice too.

This is where they surprised us and I was lost for words when I saw the unloading the car. Tools, soil, fences, fertilisers, plants, plants and more plants. I still wonder how they fit it all in that not so big car. Being blown away by supplies they brought we instantly got to work, that is my father and I were digging and doing all the hard work and the ladies were sipping wine and bossing us around which apparently is the natural order.

First we had to outline the area and get rid of grass and move around the soil to make it all level, and place the small wood fence, also lets face it the garden was ugly before. Please don’t mind me work clothes and caught in bad moment.20617131_1417328184971437_4738102803377022689_o

Then the fun began, stunned at the amount of flowers we turned to the ladies to plan out the layout and put them in trial positions before digging. 20615966_1417328324971423_8854705265228060167_o

Qucikly after that rain caught us so it was perfect time for dinner which Paulina made, chicken with pineapple, rice and some lovely sauce served inside a drilled out pineapple half. If you’d be interested in me posting food recipes let me know Paulina makes some lovely dishes.

Back to the garden it was time to put the flowers and a tree in the ground. The process was fairly swift and really enjoyable and unfortunately not much needs to be said about it so I listed the plants we have currently in our garden, if that wasn’t enough they bought us another small tree and a bush plant. Also I am very excited as they brought me a Gooseberry bush which I love eating unfortunately they are not as common in Ireland as in Poland. It also has to be kept in a bigger pot instead of ground as it can quickly invade a large portion of the garden, not that I would complain but it wouldn’t look as nice.

Currently we have 60+ and coming plants which are: Roses white and red, Pink lilies, Dahlias – different colours and types including dwarf,  few types of hydrangea, Cosmos Sonata and Bipimatus, Lobelia fan F1 scarlet and Lobelia bedding bush, Antirrhinum sonnet yellow and pink, Fuchsias, Aster mix, Leucanthemum Snow Lady, Clematis. For larger plants in bush/tree category we have: Salix – Flamingo pink tree, Choisya – Aztec Pearl, Shrubs – Snowball Tree and Gooseberry bush.

 

Valknut

We all often see the ancient symbol which Valknut is but not many people know the meaning of it so let’s clear it up. I also have this symbol tattooed on my forearm and often my friends ask what does it mean but there is never enough time to explain it all to them so I just brush them off with a very vague explanation. For those who don’t even know what it looks like here is a picture which happens to be my tattoo which I got in Rome. Three triangles interlocked together.wp-image-953195084

It is an ancient Nordic symbol which Vikings used to have always with them either on a pendant , a shield or a sword. Valknut comes from old Norse, Varl meaning slain or dead and Knut meaning knot. It is thought that Vikings believed that this symbol will bind them with fellow warriors who have died as well as Odin the All Father of nordic mythology.

Lets get deeper into the mythology and explain the 9 points of the triangles and maybe one day I’ll go deeper into explanations. Each point stands for a world or realm which are unified by the Tree of Yggdrasil. Lets start from the bottom and go in order hopefully.

9. Helheim – World of dishonored dead ruled by goddess Hel.

8. Muspelheim – World of fire and flames filled with lava ruled by fire giant Surtr.

7. Niflheim – Mist world filled with snow and ice protected by dragon Nidhug.

6. Vanaheim – World of Vanir which were the old gods.

5. Jotunheim – World of the giants, it’s believed the whole world was created from the copse of the first ever giant Ymir which was killed by Odin and his brothers Vili and Ve.

4. Midgard – World of the humans, Earth below world of Asgard. Supposedly Odin and his brothers created humans from Ash and Elm tree logs.

3. Savartalfaheim – Home of Dwarfs, Gungir (Odin’s spear) and Mjolnir (Thor’s hammer) were created there.

2. Alfheim – World of Light Elfs which are minor gods or guardian angels and it’s ruled by the god Freyr.

1. Asgard – Home of the Gods ruled by Odin and his wife Frigg. At the gate to Asgard is Hell of Valhalla where many slain Vikings go to in afterlife.

That’s already 10 meanings from one symbol but there is more, It is also believed for Valknut to represent 9 noble virtues. I am not sure if they were intended when creating the symbol are adapted in more modern times nonetheless it is those virtues I like to assign to my tattoo and they are as follows: Courage, Truth, Honor, Fidelity, Discipline, Hospitality, Self Reliance, Industriousness, Perseverance. That brings it together to 19 meanings in one symbol so now you see why it’s not easy to explain in one sentence like everyone expects me to. In modern days the symbol is only used by companies as their logo and most often in tattoos. Side-fact German Football Association uses Valknut as their logo.

Leaning to the side of tattoos I am planing to add more Nordic/Viking symbols or rather runes. You might have seen this design online yet I had to design my own order of it as I did not want all the runes in it as some are negative and while they are embedded in your skin for the rest of your life they might subconsciously influence it. And I will go over them in another post.

That is the stuff I know and if you see I made a mistake anywhere please point it out and if you would like me to go in-depth into anything above let me know in the comment and give me something to write about.

 

Meaning of life

Sometimes I wake up early to listen to the sunrise, and if you only knew how much the sun needs you to brighten up the day you’d be surprised.

Sometimes I wake up early to listen to the sunrise waiting for the sun to give me food for thought because I feel anorexic.

Sometimes i wake up early to listen to the sunrise and in the noise of the morning it said to me stay away from the lonely nights as you should know that silence like a cancer grows.

Sometimes I listen to the sunrise and one time it told me the meaning of life and I want to share it with you so I wrote it on a letter and I’m setting fire to it hopefully you can read the smoke.

Sleep Deprivation

I wanted to write about sleep deprivation because I suffered from it for a year and occasionally still do therefore I can account for some of the symptoms and give you my general experience of it.

Why did I suffer from it? It was basically out of my own will, I was thinking of the present moment for me and my partner and not future consequences. It all started with getting a second job. I was working already in a shop on a full-time position with random shifts while the open hours were 7am-10pm. I always did 40 hours there , 45 if you count the unpaid lunch breaks. After some time we tried to help what we thought to be a friend to find a job while he stayed in our apartment. We pulled some strings and got him for an interview and he was sure to get it. It was nothing special, cleaning the gym at night nonetheless it was a start so he could get money and look for something else. Being grateful for all our help he didn’t bother taking it so I decided to give it a shot as extra money doesn’t hurt (not entirely true). Starting every day at 10:30pm and finishing at 3:30am I was now doing 65hr a week, Yes I know some people do more but that’s not what it’s about. Did I mention that I was still going to he gym whenever I could?

For the most of the year when I was working I only slept 2.5-4 hours. So let’s get to facts and science, I will list the effects of sleep deprivation and comment me experience on each.

Generally, sleep deprivation may result in:

  • yawning – To be honest I don’t know if there ever was a day I didn’t yawn but during that period it occurred more often with each week.
  • aching muscles – very soon most of my muscles started to be sore and tense.
  • periorbital puffiness, commonly known as “bags under eyes” – commenting this seems pointless you know how it is with bags.
  • hand tremor – After a while I noticed my hands to be very shaky and getting worse for a certain period to a point where I occasionally dropped objects but then declined again for some reason.
  • headaches – I noticed them quickly and had them almost every day but they were minor and not worth complaining about , they were getting worse with less sleep while occasionally unbearable.
  • malaise – It was kicking in but wasn’t serious, malaise is feeling of unease, discomfort or pain and I had trouble to be comfortable anywhere.
  • confusion, memory lapses or loss – After few months I had trouble telling what day it was as going to work on monday and coming back home on Tuesday made it hard to track, I often forgot what I was doing when performing certain tasks and I had real trouble recalling events from previous days and weeks.
  • development of false memory – This was rare , it happened maybe 4 or 5 times over the year where I was completely certain I did some things that actually never happened most of it was work related like forgetting to order stock because I thought that last weeks events were actually happening yesterday etc.
  • depression – This is an uneasy topic to discuss due to many stages of depression and people not entirely understanding what it actually is. But after some reasearch I was well on track to it as common symptoms suggested I should have it I personally didn’t fell depressed but I can’t say I was happy either.
  • stye – Although it felt like it every morning, thankfully I did not have any bad swelling of the eyelids.
  • increased blood pressure – I did not check my pressure in that year so I can’t say anything except that it is normal at present day.
  • increased stress hormone levels – Stress was already part of the daily routine and kept increasing all the time.
  • increased risk of diabetes – we run into that risk every day but for now I’m safe.
  • increased risk of fibromyalgia – Check on that one, heightened pain sensitivity , tiredness , weakness in limbs , muscle twitching and few other symptoms.
  • irritability – Most of the time everything  irritated me, sometime it would come in waves where I was sitting happy and next second I was really angry and wanted to destroy everything in sight.
  • nystagmus (rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement) – I am not sure, nobody ever pointed it out so it’s probably another false memory, so I say no to this one.
  • obesity – No, I lost 5 kg in first 3 weeks but regained it after few months and my weight was constantly shifting somewhere between 70-75kg.
  • seizures – Thankfully I didn’t have any
  • temper tantrums in children – I guess there is some child left in me, luckily I was able to very quickly control myself
  • mania – I don’t think I can assign it to me, scientific description is a little bit fitting but not full on.
  • Insomnia – This also developed but not in severe stages.

Making this list made me realize how bad it actually was for me, I always knew that sleeping so little while putting out so much energy is bad, but never thought so many side effects come from it. There is also many risks that come from it like diabetes , heart disease , growth suppression, and risk of car accidents.

Did you know that sleeping too little or too much can cause Turrets? Also it is impossible to stay completely sleep deprived unless you have Fatal familial insomnia which is very rare and as the name suggest is always fatal as there is no cure. It is impossible due to micro sleeps which we do involuntarily when we try to keep awake our brain goes to sleep for less than a second sometimes more which we all experienced when you try to stay up but every now and then your head falls and you wake up. I am still experiencing it at work during night shifts during monotonous tasks. I occasionally get short hallucinations with the micro sleeps which sometime are disturbing.

While moving houses last month I was driving 1000km a week and I had serious trouble staying awake and micro sleeps coming relentlessly. Thankfully I was lucky enough to not have an accident behind the wheel.

There is definitely more symptoms of sleep deprivation out there and to experience the ones I did you don’t have to be sleeping bad for so long they come on pretty quickly, so if someone tells you he doesn’t sleep well for some time be thoughtful and don’t annoy him more than he is and if possible just let them sleep.

It is time to cut this post short as I am depriving myself of sleep again by writing untill 2am. This post might be edited and extended so check back in near future and have a good sleep it’s worth it.

Luna

When Cheeba was growing up with us we still lived with my parents in a bigger house so she always had someone to spend time with. After a while we were able to finally move out to live on our own. We rented an apartment , not a perfect place for dogs but we had the ground floor with back door opening to a big grass area so it was making up with it. With both of us working Cheeba often had to stay alone even though we tried to minimize the alone time by coming home on lunch breaks. That was until we decided she should have a companion. Even when common sense together with our landlord said no we decided to get another dog anyway.

We got this litt… not so little dog which more often resembles a bear cub especially in the way she runs, to make our Cheeba happy.

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Even though she was form a private house by all means she can be called a rescue dog. She was not vaccinated, slightly malnourished, definitely beaten, terrified of men and children as well as involved sexually with siblings, father and other local dogs in the first 6 moths of her life which caused very serious problems which I’ll talk about later.

The first day we took her home she was interested in everything we were doing yet still very scared and would run to a corner when we did any sudden moves. Luckily she got on with Cheeba very well instantly. Walks to the park were often difficult, all depending on time. When there no people she was behaving like a perfect dog, didn’t even pull on the lead, but when there were people around especially kids and sometimes cars making noise she started to panic and wanted to run straight in amok. The fact that our apartment was adjacent to a primary school which was next to the only park in town didn’t make life easier. I consider myself fairly strong and trying to hold her while 50 little girls scream and reach out to her was a real pain in the ass. Fortunately since we recently moved she calmed down a lot.

At the beginning her separation anxiety was a big issue, since the apartment was not very big she couldn’t unload her energy and stress in a lot of ways so she ended up destroying a lot of things. Every day something different, from toys to shoes, books, documents etc, one night I left the living room opened at night and didn’t expect her to do anything while we are home but she decided differently and chewed our leather couch. Every time we went to work we worried if she will destroy something or not, hiding all valuables from sight yet it didn’t work, she always found something. We were tired of all the destruction so I decided that when we leave I will lock her in a hall where there was literally nothing and yet she started to chew on the floor skirting. So I bought an anti-chew spray sprayed half of the house, she stopped eating the shoes  but that’s all it did as she kept on chewing. It was the second or third time I decided to leave her in the hall and it was a huge mistake as this happened.

 

Yup she destroyed the feckin wall, isn’t that some desperation. And if that wasn’t enough the next day our landlord called he wants to do an immediate inspection because one asshole from management reported us for having another dog. I was able to postpone the inspection and  got to work with the help of the family and fixed it and no difference could be noticed.

In the end the solution was a muzzle which we put on from time to time.

Since then everything was fine and she became a lovey-dovey and didn’t want to leave our side, even now just a glance at her causes  her to wag her tail lay down ears to the sides and run to us happily licking and jumping.

Some time later it was time for Luna to be finally in heat, we thought she was until after one day of bleeding like she should she started leaking some kind of milky slime. Of course we went to the vet he gave her a shot and told to observe for changes. Unfortunately it was only getting worse, next visit to the vet was exactly the same, third time lucky or not so lucky for Luna. They have finally diagnosed a severe cervix infection which would definitely kill her within days. She had to stay with the vets for an operation during which they had to remove her uterus, ovaries and some associated parts which I can’t remember the name.

Thankfully she quickly recovered and joined us the next day, she was still sore and had stitches as well as antibiotics. We had to be extra careful to not tear the stitches as the were across her whole stomach and we had to regularly check if she is not bleeding. After the removal of stitches she was back to full health and happier than ever and to this day she acts the same like a little puppy which is about to get a treat. Every time she sees us even when we were just in a different room for a minute  she gets super happy and starts licking us. Maybe she knew she dodged the bullet and is grateful for every moment.

Now Cheeba and Luna have a lot bigger home and are happy as ever and are almost inseparable, they get anxious when one leaves the other and try to look for each other.

So that is her back story, and of course more recent events will be posted soon and some more pictures below.

Did I mention she loves putting her head out of the window when driving? a lot more than Cheeba does, have a look.

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Cheeba

We got this little wolf about 3 years ago when she was only 3  months old, born on 28 January 2014 just 3 days before me so we celebrate birthdays together.

When we arrived to the family who had the pups straight away we noticed the mother. She was enormous and looked like a real wolf. Terrifying like from a movie similar to the dire wolf from Game of Thrones.

The pups instantly ran out to us greeting and howling wagging their tails, we didn’t know which to choose until we noticed there was one in the back, shy, scared, close to her mother as the other pups didn’t let her eat with them and sometimes stomped over her.

She needed love and we had just that, plus we heard a more reserved puppy is easier to  raise (according to Cesar Millan). When the owner was pulling her out from the doghouse when she hid the screams and squeals she was making made me feel bad, but I knew we will make it up to her. On the journey home she was very calm in the car laying still most likely petrified until she laid her head on Paulinas lap and licked her.

We quickly got her a little harness and lead, some food and made her a comfy bedding but she was still sacred. We took her to the bedroom and put her on the place provided and she laid there frozen, she did not move an inch until the next morning. 100_3999

She laid all night with dog treats on her paws as you see in the picture and stared in the mirror watching us. Next day she was more comfortable in the room and started walking around, sleeping in different places. 100_4011

Soon she accepted she will stay with us and got more active and friendly playing around in the garden as she was still scared of walks outside of the house.

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Qucikly Paulina started teaching her tricks and proper behaviour with good effects, but you can’t change the fact cheeba was a little child that liked to mess around sometimes and show her anger in cute ways. One memory the whole family has when she got angry for some reason and tried to pull of kitchen utensils from the table making everybody laugh. DSC01569.JPG

It didn’t take her long to start sleeping in our bed instead of hers and she still does and gets annoyed when I tell her to get off. DSC_0277Yes I had long hair.

When she got acquainted with walking on the leash and going for a walks, in around the same time there was a dog show in our town , we decided to go so Cheeba could meet other dogs. We did not plan to enter it but while there we signed her up just for fun. Surprisingly our little pup won in 3 categories. The cutest dog , the best of mixed breed and the best tricks which was ankle biting while one walk way, it might not sound like it but it was hilarious as she tried to pull of my girlfriends shoes as she tried to walk. Our little winner got a photographs by a professional , a hamper , and a voucher for grooming, and she was proud of herself. DSC01552DSC01553

Since then she was growing quick and yet she is nowhere near the size of her mother even at present day. Cheeba turned out to be a smart dog which loves to travel and gets excited every time I open the car. There are some things that she can’t grow out of, one of them being stealing used socks and chewing on them, she goes to trouble of basically hunting them , even when we hide them she will figure out a way to get to them, and if we leave them in our sight she will wait until we look away and pounce on them like a cat. Other interesting thing is that she almost never barks, I’m not sure if she knows how to bark properly, instead she howls like a wolf and talks like a husky. Yes she can talk, I would show you but I can’t upload videos yet although you might find something on Paulinas Instagram. She can say “I love you”, “Hello” and “Luna” on command, She can count too, up to 7 as in Paulina says the number and she barks the amount of times or rather makes these short growly/howly/barks.

Loving to be outside she is our furry Usain Bolt, yes she is fast and can sprint for really long time. In many photos she looks like a super dog because we managed to capture her in full flight all paws off the ground.

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This is the general info about Cheeba and you will find out more if you follow the blog. For more pictures visit https://www.instagram.com/iluvenis93/

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