Reevaluation

I wrote the post ‘Tabula Rasa’ when I won the battle with depression and I was happy. War resides in me but I remain unyielding. On a loosing battlefield one of the few remaining, tripping over the cadavers mixed with the mud I feel the same. Yet for some reason I keep getting up, neglecting the pain, exhaustion, struggle, I take a step after step just to fall, crawl and get up again.

Hope is the mother of the fools, maybe, but hope dies last and hope is inside me. Hope for better days hopes for the inner calm. And I might be the child of biggest foolishness but I will take on whatever is thrown at me, take every blow and wound with just a flinch as there is not much they can do to me. I have died before, had my heart stabbed and ripped, my mind crushed and poisoned, my guts torn and spilled, faith shattered, my flame snuffed out, then I was snuffed out. For reasons I don’t understand still get up come back to life without a clear purpose, mended by strangers and those around, my scars are plentiful some you can see and for some, you have to close your eyes to see.

Tabula Rasa, a beautiful symbol, to start from new do things right and the way you wanted, but a new start does not always come when you wanted and not on your terms. Nobody talks about the darker side of the new starts of hod hard and painful it can be. When after a decade of stability a storm comes and everything you knew shatters and everything you had is torn away from you and when you desperately try to hold on to your last piece of happiness you need to give it up because the world doesn’t allow it what do you do then? How do you not die inside again? how do you remain stable?

Right now I’m laying between the brothers in arms looking at the red sky, most of them are gone, maybe in direction of my gaze or where my mind is. My fist clenched, I know I will be getting up again, I don’t want to but by now it’s autonomous, my feet will carry me forth but what else will follow them?

I have hate, anger and blame for many people, I am among them too. I no longer care who I upset or hurt, I need to embrace my darkness and focus on me because you can’t make everyone happy and I was always trying to do that only hurting myself in the process. But don’t worry I have enough decency to not wash my laundry in public and will not say who did what. You need keys to open me up which I rarely give out and you know it, so throw yours away because I changed the locks.

I Would like to thank one person for stopping the dry spell and motivating me to write, which might be repetitive by now but she is inspiring and I wish I could be as good as her. She might be small in size but if mind and personality had a physical form she wouldn’t fit in any room so she goes around the world and opens up peoples minds whether in person or online. And I admit I was certain your post won’t do anything but here we are as it contents pulled from sleep to the keyboard. So thank you Apple for the support in the past and your recent musings.