Can you call yourself a good parent?

This post will be for all the parents and anyone who can solve this mystery with a different solution than murder or psychiatric ward. Everything below is unfortunately real events and facts from our lives.

Let’s start with the basic information, the key focus is on my girlfriend and her family, a family of her of course 2 parents Paulina and a younger brother. At first glance everything seems fine and they will make sure it does just look like it but that’s just a front. By them I mean the parents and son. Paulina lives with me for several years and of course they are not happy with it. There are two main problems with this family, they treat their kids completely opposite no exaggeration and their mother hates me for no reason (yeah love you too mother-in-law). The thing is I can’t understand their actions there is no rational reason for them.

It was like that from a young age. Little brother gets hurt by someone Paulina is to blame for not being there. She needs to work hard for something he can just sit around. One example were their first tattoos. Paulina wanted a tattoo she found, after a lot of asking for it she came to an agreement if she gets good grades at the end of the year she will have it, so she worked real hard to and it payed of, sort of, she wasn’t allowed the one she wanted so she got the next best thing which was a lot smaller tattoo of a cat. Then comes up a little brother who wasn’t supposed to have a tattoo due to age and not doing any work for it but he just says he wants it and guess what he has a huge scorpion on his back.

When I first met them everything was fine their parents were nice to me even though it was fake I didn’t mind. Then I started dating Paulina and things were rolling down the hill and still do. It started with constantly earlier scheduled returns home and other minor things, after a year her mother just like that started hating me and every time she saw me she looked like Trump in Mexico. Her explanation? I have blond hair and she once knew a guy like that and she didn’t like him. Totally understandable right? ūüėČ There were few more similar reason that weren’t worth my time her main point was that I am not the right partner for her because I was young and she would rather she would find a rich Irish guy or two with a house and a good job so she won’t have to work. Mother of the year advice.

Of course that didn’t stop us like Romeo and Juliet we continued to meet even though she was “forbidden” to see me and anywhere she went she was accused of going to see me for which she was unfairly punished in forms of foul name calling occasional slaps and grounding. Unfortunately we lived on the same street so if I wanted to go anywhere I had to walk past their house and every time I was seen by her mother, Paulina was immediately called home,¬†no mater where she was and still had to take shit from her parents even though there was no intention to meet me.

After harsh another 2 years she finished school and decided she won’t take it anymore and will move out but for the first timer it’s not easy to find a job or a room, so she looked and looked while in the meantime she was on social welfare getting next to nothing but that didn’t stop her parents from deciding that she has to pay rent, bills, and cook for herself if she had anything left. after a while she found a room to rent a and a job, 2 in fact so without hesitation she was gone and free. 2 jobs turned into 3 and I couldn’t allow it. The same week I finished school I moved in with her got a job to help her out and my family supported us too but not hers. Back to unfair treatment, her brother finished school and he didn’t have to pay anything at all and still doesn’t. I’m not talking bad about him, he just exploits the situation of course he helps them out sometimes but the point is none of the rules Paulina had to obey were placed on him and if that’s not enough he just had to ask for things to get them.

I have not seen her parents for years about 6, her mother avoids me like im some incarnation of Satan or carrier of Ebola. For years I drove Paulina 100km one way so she could see her family after they moved out but I wasn’t allowed into the house so had to go straight back. They never visited us at least when I was home. This year we were forced to move out so we decided on their home town with hope things will improve with time but now that hope is almost gone. We live here 5 months and they haven’t moved their lazy asses to an estate beside them to visit for a coffee or see just how are we doing while my own parents drive 100km almost every second week to see us. I guess I should make it clear that I don’t see them, Paulina visits them almost every week but always comes back a lot sadder as they stopped treating her as a daughter but more just like a guest paying more attention to everyone else but her and yet they call her daughter. Put actions behind the words you use.

Another example of their treatment? Paulina’s brother found a girl recently. Treating her like a real daughter should be support their relationship and allowed to move in with them they help her to find a job by sending offers while Paulina is always looked down upon for not being any different and constantly complained about even when she does exact same things that her brother or his girl do. They don’t even call her to find out how is she doing. Paulina call them only (I saw the call registers over years) and they complain that she never contacts them while it’s them that don’t put in any fucking effort.

I post it reluctantly with fear that after they see this it will blow into a bigger shit than it is. Then again deep inside I hope they will read it and finally get some fucking sense in their heads and understand that they are the sole cause of their daughters countless tears and sleepless nights over the years all the days she was sad not wanting to live anymore driving her to depression, that they will understand that they are destroying this wonderful girl like cancer from the inside. And I hope they will feel shame for years to come and most of all I want them to know that I look past their way of treating me, and that KARMA exists and she will fucking coming and I hope that then you will cry every night like she does.

 

And you? Can you call yourself a good parent? If you are anything like the ones above be sure your kids will never forget.

Valknut

We all often see the ancient symbol which Valknut is but not many people know the meaning of it so let’s clear it up. I also have this symbol tattooed on my forearm and often my friends ask what does it mean but there is never enough time to explain it all to them so I just brush them off with a very vague explanation. For those who don’t even know what it looks like here is a picture which happens to be my tattoo which I got in Rome. Three triangles interlocked together.wp-image-953195084

It is an ancient Nordic symbol which Vikings used to have always with them either on a pendant , a shield or a sword. Valknut comes from old Norse, Varl meaning slain or dead and Knut meaning knot. It is thought that Vikings believed that this symbol will bind them with fellow warriors who have died as well as Odin the All Father of nordic mythology.

Lets get deeper into the mythology and explain the 9 points of the triangles and maybe one day I’ll go deeper into explanations. Each point stands for a world or realm which are unified by the Tree of Yggdrasil. Lets start from the bottom and go in order hopefully.

9. Helheim – World of dishonored dead ruled by goddess Hel.

8. Muspelheim – World of fire and flames filled with lava ruled by fire giant Surtr.

7. Niflheim – Mist world filled with snow and ice protected by dragon Nidhug.

6. Vanaheim – World of Vanir which were the old gods.

5. Jotunheim – World of the giants, it’s believed the whole world was created from the copse of the first ever giant Ymir which was killed by Odin and his brothers Vili and Ve.

4. Midgard – World of the humans, Earth below world of Asgard. Supposedly Odin and his brothers created humans from Ash and Elm tree logs.

3. Savartalfaheim – Home of Dwarfs, Gungir (Odin’s spear) and Mjolnir (Thor’s hammer) were created there.

2. Alfheim – World of Light Elfs which are minor gods or guardian angels and it’s ruled by the god Freyr.

1. Asgard – Home of the Gods ruled by Odin and his wife Frigg. At the gate to Asgard is Hell of Valhalla where many slain Vikings go to in afterlife.

That’s already 10 meanings from one symbol but there is more, It is also believed for Valknut to represent 9 noble virtues. I am not sure if they were intended when creating the symbol are adapted in more modern times nonetheless it is those virtues I like to assign to my tattoo and they are as follows: Courage, Truth, Honor, Fidelity, Discipline, Hospitality, Self Reliance, Industriousness, Perseverance. That brings it together to 19 meanings in one symbol so now you see why it’s not easy to explain in one sentence like everyone expects me to. In modern days the symbol is only used by companies as their logo and most often in tattoos. Side-fact German Football Association uses Valknut as their logo.

Leaning to the side of tattoos I am planing to add more Nordic/Viking symbols or rather runes. You might have seen this design online yet I had to design my own order of it as I did not want all the runes in it as some are negative and while they are embedded in your skin for the rest of your life they might subconsciously influence it. And I will go over them in another post.

That is the stuff I know and if you see I made a mistake anywhere please point it out and if you would like me to go in-depth into anything above let me know in the comment and give me something to write about.

 

Sleep Deprivation

I wanted to write about sleep deprivation because I suffered from it for a year and occasionally still do therefore I can account for some of the symptoms and give you my general experience of it.

Why did I suffer from it? It was basically out of my own will, I was thinking of the present moment for me and my partner and not future consequences. It all started with getting a second job. I was working already in a shop on a full-time position with random shifts while the open hours were 7am-10pm. I always did 40 hours there , 45 if you count the unpaid lunch breaks. After some time we tried to help what we thought to be a friend to find a job while he stayed in our apartment. We pulled some strings and got him for an interview and he was sure to get it. It was nothing special, cleaning the gym at night nonetheless it was a start so he could get money and look for something else. Being grateful for all our help he didn’t bother taking it so I decided to give it a shot as extra money doesn’t hurt (not entirely true). Starting every day at 10:30pm and finishing at 3:30am I was now doing 65hr a week, Yes I know some people do more but that’s not what it’s about. Did I mention that I was still going to he gym whenever I could?

For the most of the year when I was working I only slept 2.5-4 hours. So let’s get to facts and science, I will list the effects of sleep deprivation and comment me experience on each.

Generally, sleep deprivation may result in:

  • yawning¬†– To be honest I don’t know if there ever was a day I didn’t yawn but during that period it occurred more often with each week.
  • aching muscles¬†– very soon most of my muscles started to be sore and tense.
  • periorbital puffiness, commonly known as “bags under eyes” –¬†commenting this seems pointless you know how it is with bags.
  • hand¬†tremor¬†– After a while I noticed my hands to be very shaky and getting worse for a certain period to a point where I occasionally dropped objects but then declined again for some reason.
  • headaches¬†– I noticed them quickly and had them almost every day but they were minor and not worth complaining about , they were getting worse with less sleep while occasionally unbearable.
  • malaise¬†– It was kicking in but wasn’t serious, malaise is feeling of unease, discomfort or pain and I had trouble to be comfortable anywhere.
  • confusion,¬†memory¬†lapses or loss¬†– After few months I had trouble telling what day it was as going to work on monday and coming back home on Tuesday made it hard to track, I often forgot what I was doing when performing certain tasks and I had real trouble recalling events from previous days and weeks.
  • development of¬†false memory – This was rare , it happened maybe 4 or 5 times over the year where I was completely certain I did some things that actually never happened most of it was work related like forgetting to order stock because I thought that last weeks events were actually happening yesterday etc.
  • depression – This is an uneasy topic to discuss due to many stages of depression and people not entirely understanding what it actually is. But after some reasearch I was well on track to it as common symptoms suggested I should have it I personally didn’t fell depressed but I can’t say I was happy either.
  • stye¬†– Although it felt like it every morning, thankfully I did not have any bad swelling of the eyelids.
  • increased¬†blood pressure¬†– I did not check my pressure in that year so I can’t say anything except that it is normal at present day.
  • increased¬†stress hormone¬†levels¬†– Stress was already part of the daily routine and kept increasing all the time.
  • increased risk of¬†diabetes¬†– we run into that risk every day but for now I’m safe.
  • increased risk of¬†fibromyalgia¬†– Check on that one, heightened pain sensitivity , tiredness , weakness in limbs , muscle twitching and few other symptoms.
  • irritability¬†– Most of the time everything ¬†irritated me, sometime it would come in waves where I was sitting happy and next second I was really angry and wanted to destroy everything in sight.
  • nystagmus¬†(rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement)¬†– I am not sure, nobody ever pointed it out so it’s probably another false memory, so I say no to this one.
  • obesity¬†– No, I lost 5 kg in first 3 weeks but regained it after few months and my weight was constantly shifting somewhere between 70-75kg.
  • seizures¬†– Thankfully I didn’t have any
  • temper tantrums¬†in children¬†– I guess there is some child left in me, luckily I was able to very quickly control myself
  • mania¬†– I don’t think I can assign it to me, scientific description is a little bit fitting but not full on.
  • Insomnia¬†– This also developed but not in severe stages.

Making this list made me realize how bad it actually was for me, I always knew that sleeping so little while putting out so much energy is bad, but never thought so many side effects come from it. There is also many risks that come from it like diabetes , heart disease , growth suppression, and risk of car accidents.

Did you know that sleeping too little or too much can cause Turrets? Also it is impossible to stay completely sleep deprived unless you have Fatal familial insomnia which is very rare and as the name suggest is always fatal as there is no cure. It is impossible due to micro sleeps which we do involuntarily when we try to keep awake our brain goes to sleep for less than a second sometimes more which we all experienced when you try to stay up but every now and then your head falls and you wake up. I am still experiencing it at work during night shifts during monotonous tasks. I occasionally get short hallucinations with the micro sleeps which sometime are disturbing.

While moving houses last month I was driving 1000km a week and I had serious trouble staying awake and micro sleeps coming relentlessly. Thankfully I was lucky enough to not have an accident behind the wheel.

There is definitely more symptoms of sleep deprivation out there and to experience the ones I did you don’t have to be sleeping bad for so long they come on pretty quickly, so if someone tells you he doesn’t sleep well for some time be thoughtful and don’t annoy him more than he is and if possible just let them sleep.

It is time to cut this post short as I am depriving myself of sleep again by writing untill 2am. This post might be edited and extended so check back in near future and have a good sleep it’s worth it.