Stars in the night

The weight we carry on our shoulders brings us to the ground.

Yet bravely we look up in the sky, waiting for the shroud of night.

I am angry at the world and its injustice, yet your voice like a call of sirens calms the sea of emotions.

At the same time, you shake up my private world with excitement.

Our scars like puzzles fit together glued by empathy.

A single confession can flood the eyes of multiple people.

High above the solid ground, we walk on the line hoping not to fall.

So close yet impossible distance apart we play our pre-written parts.

After many talks between venus and mars, I noticed the stars shine brighter when reflecting your eyes.

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Tabula Rasa

Night, I hear the calling again, how long can I ignore it? maybe this will be the last time I burn. A constant battle inside me between my brain, heart and my soul. Locked in this small cage they all want to get away forever. The silence whispers its song while the moon cries with rain, the stars stare in eerie silence. What can I do take away the pain that leaves a stain on the mane of my confidence. Night, I want to write but the secrets suffocate my heart, night, rhythmic breathing invites me to a dance with instruments of hell which I want to extinguish. Shadows dance around the room when the clock strikes midnight, desire begs for help while guilt inflicts constant wounds.

Grasping for resolve I will paint a picture without a brush. Stating I don’t want a world without feelings, with personal opinions being choked down before they are born and songs of rebellion drowned in a glass of bitterness and disappointment. Nor I want to feel like young Werther ever again or this will be my end.

Staring in the mirror, behind the glass I see myself move independently of my actions studying my image. With a tight fist I break the walls of our anguish and reach out to pull the other me into this world. We hug like long separated twins and sit down in a dark room talking without words. Painting our nightmares on the canvas of fear then setting fire to it providing a glow of courage. Asking the night to cloak us in its darkness from the eyes of the moon we will waltz around the shield of a clock. Running through sands of time to get away from the crawling morning we will cheat time when we hide under a number. There we will fall in a slumber, filling our hollows, taking the broken parts and connect them into one. We will no longer be damaged, combining every cell until all is well.

With pain subsiding I come out of hiding and let the time catch me bringing me to the present, I no longer resent this world that I hold. Finally I am whole and the prolonged session of slow depression is gone allowing me to feel like I won.

It is nice to write again, it has been a long time. I was away due to work, laziness, holidays abroad. And I had that extra job as Hells personal trainer exe(o) rcising my demons. But that’s over and I have a new outlook on life.

Waiting for the right time to do something means you will probably never do it.

Stars in your eyes.

Sadly I admit we have lost the exact count of stars and seasons we passed.

I haven’t believed in love from the first sight, but then you came out and something strange happened.

I looked into your heterochromatic eyes and I saw the whole universe in your pupil, It was so beautiful.

By far the clearest feeling I had, but so confusing too, my heart and time stopped, eternity trapped in the single second.

As if everything that could be known was a single lesson,  I’m guessing words is not an adequate set of tools to explain it.

Our bodies disappeared and there was no rules, every moment, star formed and explosion was contained in the iris of this girl standing before me.

And at that moment we both became gods because from an eye to eye we created our world.

Next, we built our boat and set sail through the stormy oceans standing firm, even when the water got the best of us and we fell in the other one waited until we are both back in.

Roaming for years we lost hope of safe land after we saw the angels fall from the skies, but you just took their broken wings and thought me how to fly.

Yet I regret you can’t see that every time you sing, your voice heals my broken soul.

But, now I know for certain it doesn’t matter if I’m on the ground, in the water or air, You will always be there.

Paulina

No matter what I do in life I’m only half there when you’re not.

Light in our hearts

You are my lighthouse in the storm. You make sure there is always enough light in our life, when the dark clouds come you swiftly dispel them with one move. When I fall you reach out your hand , when I fall into a deep hole you are there with a rope to climb. You are like the heroes of light.

You nurtured me from the moment of creation , you thought me all the important values in life so I can be a man nobody needs to be ashamed of and I do what I can to make you proud even though it doesn’t always work out but nobody is perfect and I know you understand that. Raising us wasn’t easy I see that now, but back then you did your best we didn’t notice and it worked. You thought me that a heart of gold can illuminate any darkness I come upon. So for years I wandered dirty rivers and undergrounds hammering away like Andy Dufresne looking for pieces of gold, to create the armour of gold for my heart. Finding piece by piece with every experience in life, many pieces were found with your help some given by you for free out of good will and care. Right now I feel I’m very close to completion and hopefully I will be able to bring light into life of others as you do to mine. I was lucky enough that when I was looking for gold I found a really precious gem along the way and plan to keep it for the rest of my life. And I have to thank you for accepting her as your and caring for her too.

I know I can always count on you in every situation, even when I moved away you chase after me to make sure we are doing well. Appearing out of nowhere with a helping hand when our foot slips. For this I am eternally grateful and willing to the sane for you when it’s needed.

One thing that I regret is that I wasn’t a better son but that’s for you to judge. What hurts me more that I so rarely tell you that I love you, I don’t know why I don’t say it but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Not once tears fell listening to Dżem’s – List do m. in the middle of the night. Wondering why I don’t tell you I love you every day when my emotions for you flow like Niagara but I just don’t show it as I would like to. And every time I hear this song tears come to my eyes because I can literally relate to it more than I would like to admit.

Please never question your actions as a parent because you haven’t made a bad choice so far, and not Superman nor Batman can compare to you because your love is stronger than their powers combined.

Dad, I know you often worry about me because I’m sad and my blog doesn’t help me disprove it but trust me I’m OK and if (hopefully not) something would get worse I will let you know.

I also know this isn’t the place you should be reading it , it should be a ink soaked letter in your hands but I write here because I am proud of you and wish others could take example from you. I want to take liberty of speaking for my brother also when I say Mom, Dad we love you and thank you.

Cheeba

We got this little wolf about 3 years ago when she was only 3  months old, born on 28 January 2014 just 3 days before me so we celebrate birthdays together.

When we arrived to the family who had the pups straight away we noticed the mother. She was enormous and looked like a real wolf. Terrifying like from a movie similar to the dire wolf from Game of Thrones.

The pups instantly ran out to us greeting and howling wagging their tails, we didn’t know which to choose until we noticed there was one in the back, shy, scared, close to her mother as the other pups didn’t let her eat with them and sometimes stomped over her.

She needed love and we had just that, plus we heard a more reserved puppy is easier to  raise (according to Cesar Millan). When the owner was pulling her out from the doghouse when she hid the screams and squeals she was making made me feel bad, but I knew we will make it up to her. On the journey home she was very calm in the car laying still most likely petrified until she laid her head on Paulinas lap and licked her.

We quickly got her a little harness and lead, some food and made her a comfy bedding but she was still sacred. We took her to the bedroom and put her on the place provided and she laid there frozen, she did not move an inch until the next morning. 100_3999

She laid all night with dog treats on her paws as you see in the picture and stared in the mirror watching us. Next day she was more comfortable in the room and started walking around, sleeping in different places. 100_4011

Soon she accepted she will stay with us and got more active and friendly playing around in the garden as she was still scared of walks outside of the house.

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Qucikly Paulina started teaching her tricks and proper behaviour with good effects, but you can’t change the fact cheeba was a little child that liked to mess around sometimes and show her anger in cute ways. One memory the whole family has when she got angry for some reason and tried to pull of kitchen utensils from the table making everybody laugh. DSC01569.JPG

It didn’t take her long to start sleeping in our bed instead of hers and she still does and gets annoyed when I tell her to get off. DSC_0277Yes I had long hair.

When she got acquainted with walking on the leash and going for a walks, in around the same time there was a dog show in our town , we decided to go so Cheeba could meet other dogs. We did not plan to enter it but while there we signed her up just for fun. Surprisingly our little pup won in 3 categories. The cutest dog , the best of mixed breed and the best tricks which was ankle biting while one walk way, it might not sound like it but it was hilarious as she tried to pull of my girlfriends shoes as she tried to walk. Our little winner got a photographs by a professional , a hamper , and a voucher for grooming, and she was proud of herself. DSC01552DSC01553

Since then she was growing quick and yet she is nowhere near the size of her mother even at present day. Cheeba turned out to be a smart dog which loves to travel and gets excited every time I open the car. There are some things that she can’t grow out of, one of them being stealing used socks and chewing on them, she goes to trouble of basically hunting them , even when we hide them she will figure out a way to get to them, and if we leave them in our sight she will wait until we look away and pounce on them like a cat. Other interesting thing is that she almost never barks, I’m not sure if she knows how to bark properly, instead she howls like a wolf and talks like a husky. Yes she can talk, I would show you but I can’t upload videos yet although you might find something on Paulinas Instagram. She can say “I love you”, “Hello” and “Luna” on command, She can count too, up to 7 as in Paulina says the number and she barks the amount of times or rather makes these short growly/howly/barks.

Loving to be outside she is our furry Usain Bolt, yes she is fast and can sprint for really long time. In many photos she looks like a super dog because we managed to capture her in full flight all paws off the ground.

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This is the general info about Cheeba and you will find out more if you follow the blog. For more pictures visit https://www.instagram.com/iluvenis93/

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Boy and Girl

Let me tell you a short story about a boy and girl I know who tend to hurt each other without knowing it.

Focusing on the girl she was a real beauty, really, she didn’t even need make-up to turn the heads on the street. She was young, funny, charismatic, and the list of her good aspects is lengthy. The boy was average, at least that was his opinion of himself, but he had one trait he valued above his looks which was a heart of pure gold for that one girl. They met at a young age, she was 14 and he was 12 and by some miracle or some unknown force they struck the love at first sight as in some fairy tale, they felt like they won the lottery, in some way they did to be honest. You might not believe it but they are still together for almost 10 years now. Through time their love reached a lot of stages all the way from puppy love to being like an old married couple they held strong through ups and downs which life constantly threw at them.

Some time ago they reached their 20’s and life with technology got more modern, social media started to become addictive and demanding, everywhere you looked fitness posts smacked you in the face. Eventually they gave in to the trend and started going to the gym. And gym felt like falling in love again, they were hooked and there were no negative sides to it, they were achieving impressive results and were able to motivate each other. As you might guess from experience life decided to come and see how are they doing, displeased that everything was going so smooth it naturally had to throw in some bumps and bends.

The boy was not bothered by the fact he had to drop out of the gym and attend irregularly as his priority was always the girl. And when times often were desperate he always said “Stop worrying, we will make it because simply have no other choice.”       The girl was not happy with her poor attendance and sometimes less money meant less healthy food which resulted in body changes. She was not fat but getting further away from the body she was working for. Unfortunately the social media kept spamming her with pictures of athletes and models trying to brainwash her that this is the only body shape accepted by the society 7% fat and 60kg weight. Which in my personal opinion is not attractive.

It all started affecting her mood, she often was sad or irritated because she doesn’t look like the girls on Instagram, that her belly isn’t perfectly flat and her butt is not big enough. Mind you she was still perfectly healthy and stunningly beautiful, I am saying this as I have seen her.

The boy noticed straight away how she feels and did what he could to cheer her up. He knew he is not perfect but he tried and carrying a lot on his shoulders did not make it any easier. Juggling two jobs to pay rent and bills while trying to save something on the side and keeping his girl happy was no easy task. After all everything he did was for her and never otherwise eve when it didn’t seem like it. Meanwhile the girl was spiraling down with her emotions, the boys efforts were often not enough which made him feel like he’s not good enough. The girl often complained about her own looks sometimes even wept, but the boy could not understand her problems, to him she was pure perfection. She was his whole world and it saddened him that his world doesn’t see how much he loves her beauty. Every time she wept his heart was breaking and he told her she is the most beautiful girl in the world and loves her and he meant it as pure as can be but it was something she had trouble to see. So every time she wept and said she is fat he shed a tear, usually when alone as he didn’t want her to see him for weak.

Every time she cried so did he as he could not understand why, was it his fault? could he done something? change something? why can’t she see herself the way he looks at her? were his efforts not enough? after all his every action is to provide for her financially and emotionally. These thoughts were tearing him apart every time.

Little does she know, to him she is stuck in amber since the first time he saw her and no mater what size, shape, age she is, to him she’s always the girl he fell in love with and will love her no matter what she becomes. So you shall not compete with other girls on the web as they hold no candle in fact they are not even competition to you and you are everything to me. So I hope that when you read this you will feel better about yourself, and strangers may this apply to you too.

Love you,
Your’s truly.