Probably My Last Post (1/2)

I write this because it is stuck in my mind all the time and I’m hoping that the nightmares will get easier when I share my story, that’s if I am still alive.

It all started a while ago I just didn’t notice the signs or at least I didn’t connect them together.

I am with my girlfriend for a long time and living together for few years now. She was always happy, radiating always the soul of the party. After few years, changing 3 houses and a town her glow started to dim. She started to cut her contacts having less and less friends as well as her hobbies started to fade steadily. With me being concerned with keeping my work to try put us back on our feet I blamed her behavior on new town, stress and our financial struggle, hell that’s how it affected me at least. I failed to notice that she was just becoming hollow as if her soul was slowly being drained.

Her behaviour was changing she would do odd things but then would always smile or laugh in a way that reminded me how I love her making me think she does it to make me laugh or just messing around. We own 2 dogs and she loves playing with them, but sometimes she does it like an animal as well, she would get on all four and started growling at them and sometimes biting them. It always looked funny but her growls were deep and with time started sounding less human. Imagine a very large dog growling viciously, its teeth showing saliva dripping snapping its jaws. That’s how she sounded even looked like it she took that stance like and animal just before it is about to attack then she turned from the dogs to me crawling towards me the noise getting louder, she would get on top of the bed trap me under her and with her face centimeters away from mine she acted like a vicious dog. I knew she was messing but it was very unnerving.

At random times she had mood swings one moment she was my decade long loving partner then she would become suddenly sad or angry sometimes furious other times she would all of a sudden be in pain. Strong physical pain that sometimes left her in fetus position crying. Of course her dignity didn’t allow her to tell me how bad she feels but I could see it. She usually brushed it off as menstrual pains and mood swings but it was happening more often than it usually did during periods.

She used to have nightmares as well, bad ones. Killings, suicides, accidents, often including family members. She told me there always was a presence in theses dreams or a voice telling her horrible things. Then she started waking up at night feeling a presence in an empty room. I don’ know why it all spared a thought in my head of my old interest in folklore and various supernatural and mysticism. Precisely I thought of  Hym and Andras, demons who haunt and posses humans. One feeds of the victims misery and self harm telling them horrible things that only they can hear always a tall shadow figure with long claws. Andras is a demon with an owls head constantly giving advice how to kill. I was concerned at first but let go later as nothing was consistent. As with my family practice we  put out a rosary on the frame of the bed, it really helps with keeping the dark presence from being in your room at night as many people suffer from this in my family but strangely only females now I realize.

Recently she started bursting out with random noises it was truly funny and cracked us both up laughing till our jaws hurt, weird noises funny body movements and laughter was quiet a show. Then it was getting less funny as it didn’t look anymore like attempts to make me laugh but like uncontrollable spasms as if her brain short-circuited or something.

Then there were the good days when we both forget about everything and it was one of these days we were laying on the bed watching tv and started messing around tickling each other etc. in the middle of it she started making these sounds again as if her tongue was twisting in impossible ways in her mouth shaking slightly. Since we were messing around I thought it will be funny pretend I’m doing an exorcism so I garbed the rosary holding it in front of her and said “Stop this and leave her alone!”. In that moment the rosary snapped in my hand falling down, we both froze in shock and since then I was really worried.

Two days later she mustered up her courage to tell me that just before the rosary broke she felt a burning sensation on her skin. I admit I got scared, my mind started racing. ‘What if it wasn’t an accidental break, what if there is something wrong with her, what if something possessed her? no, that can’t be it can it? is she still the same person?’ I think I was beginning to lose my mind.

It was only getting worse from there, she was whispering to herself which was giving me the creeps once I found her standing in a corner talking in a language I never heard before. The nightmares came back, she waking up in the middle of the night. sometimes I was too just see her face in front of mine with eyes wide open, every time i shrugged back with a gasp or a scream. Soon after she started getting up from the bed and leaving the room wandering around the house, first few nights it happened I didn’t want to know what she was doing but one time I heard her talking to someone so I rushed downstairs just to find her in the middle of the living room alone. I really hoped she was only sleepwalking but my guts were telling me that’s not it.

Last night I was woken up by the slamming of the front doors I instantly got up to find myself alone in the bed, it was 1:30am she came back around 5am shuffling around downstairs for a while. When she came back to bed she dropped dead and fell asleep instantly. I noticed she has partially wet hair and some kind of smudge on her chin, as it was still dark I couldn’t see what it was, and even though I should wake her up to question where she was I decided not to and went downstairs to check what she was doing. Something in my head clicked, she came to bed already undressed. I went straight to the washing machine. There was only a pair of jeans a sweater and a t-shirt, still cold from the chilly and damp night, I took them out and felt my insides rise and drop. All the clothes were stained with crimson coloured liquid. ‘is that blood? no it can’t be there is too much and she didn’t look or sound hurt’ I thought. From all the stress and sleepless nights I was met by a sudden and nasty nosebleed as could have been expected from the past. It was so quick or I was still stunned by the finding that the blood started dripping on my t-shirt. I was tired so without thinking I raised the stained shirt to wipe my nose no to ruin my clothes and me legs felt so weak I almost fell down, the colour of my blood from the nose was exactly the same colour as the stains on her clothes. Paralyzed I stood there thinking what to do, should I call someone, police, ambulance, anyone?

There was no point doubting it anymore, there was something wrong with her something bad. I didn’t go upstairs to her, instead I was sitting in the living room going over all the possible scenarios as of what could have happened when she was out. Did she kill someone or maybe she was trying to save somebody, maybe it’s not blood maybe it’s fake blood.

It’s 5pm now and I decided to write this up because I just watched the news. Not far from our house a family was brutally murdered by what seems to have been a wild animal, parents with 2 little children, the news reporter said the scene was too gruesome to describe on daytime news. Maybe I was in shock after the news, but I could swear I saw her undulate in midair through the hallway but when I turned to her she was already standing solid on the ground mumbling something under her nose focusing her gaze on something in the other room. I could only make out one sentence which sounded like “…we still need more blood…” That was enough to make my heart almost jump out so I’m rushing to get this out there since there is no denying that I’m the nearest source of blood right now and whatever she is planing she has a quiet big crave for blood.

 

This story is inspired by long hours of listening to ‘The No Sleep Podcast’ during the night shifts at work as well as daily prompts and is mostly fiction except with the whole rosary part haha just kidding but not really.

Sleep

I can’t find him lately, for some reason he avoids me.

 

No particular reason for him to be gone.

Every moment I search for him around the house.

Eyes are heavy and in pain, only he can help.

Distorted visions start to haunt me and yet he is still not here.

 

Sitting on the bed praying he will be back in a while.

Little hope left of seeing him again, maybe I should seek help somewhere else.

Eexhausted I can bearly move yet can’t close my eyes.

Eever bit of energy drained to conjure him in front of me without luck.

Pills, isn’t there a better solution?

Sleep Paralysis

I wanted to write a post on sleep paralysis but after reading this beautiful description I just decided to repost this from Zairron Plaguestrider at https://zairron.wordpress.com have a read and subscribe to him.

You wake in the midnight darkness of your room, adrenaline flush in your system from the terror of your nightmare riddled sleep. You struggle to open your eyes but the leaden veil of sleep lays oppressively heavy crushing the strength from your body leaving you empty. Unbidden the thought arises that you have been restrained or drugged, the image assaulting you with waves of frustration and panic. Inhaling as deeply as you can manage, fighting to maintain calm, the feeling of weight on your chest is preventing you from taking a complete breath. With each failed attempt to regain some sense of control in your own body you are left feeling more helpless, your eyes grow hot with tears which well up but even they lack the strength to flow.

It feels like you’re trapped in the prison made from your own body for hours, though in the silence and dark you have no sense of the passage of time. After the longest time you swear you feel a twitch in your fingers and you realise that at some point your eyes had managed to partially open without your noticing. Emboldened you struggle again without success before surrendering to the futility once more.
Beyond the door a nearly inaudible creak pierces your heart with an icy shard of terror. You imagine that there is someone in your home, here where you should be alone, as you are unable to move and utterly helpless. Another creak, closer this time, and louder. You fight with every fibre of your soul, pleading and crying within your own mind to the implacable indifference of your body. Betrayal, more painful for its source. Fear, discomfort and emptiness, define your being. Just beyond your door you feel the presence come to a pause, the subtle shift in the floorboards, in the air pressure, all the more obvious in the utter isolation of the night.

The door creaks, gently. So soft and subtle that it almost could be your imagination. From the corner of your barely opened eyes you can see it drifting open, the glacial momentum every bit as imperceptible as the sound. Surreal and dreamlike, if you can’t move your, you wish at least you could close your eyes again, or look away, anything to escape the indescribable horror you feel just out of sight. A single hot tear streams down the side of your face.
You watch the door as it creeps agonisingly open with steadily building anxiety growing in your chest, seeking to burst from your throat but unable to form a whisper, let alone a scream. A hint of movement stirs in the shadows that surround the door, almost completely open now, only the complete darkness prevents you from seeing it. The shadows undulate in rhythmic motions, growing steadily as they approach the foot of your bed.

A heavy imprint pushes down on the mattress. You feel the weight on your feet as it climbs with the same unrelentingly slowness that opened the door. A flicker of something in a sliver of moonlight that peaks through the window, what could have been a hand or a claw appears for only a second before being lost to the shadow once more. The weight had crested your legs, the all unthinkable nature of what is happening to you blurs the sensations into a storm of abject terror, culminating with the mass comes to rest upon your chest. You cannot breath, hyperventilation and the asphyxiation crush strangle you and you feel spots appear in your vision one by one blacking out even the faintest traces of light. In the last moment of fading vision you witness a face approaching you, the hideous grin and foul breath sparks with in you the will to battle one last time to throw off this paralysis. Screaming and thrashing in your mind, you feel a twitch in your fingers, heat flowing upwards from them enters your chest and shatters the spike impaling your heart and with a scream you tear yourself from the mattress and…

It is morning. Drenched in sweat and dizzy from your rapid breaths, you look around. The door to your room is closed, the light shins thinly through the cracks in your curtains and you are alone. The tears finally come and your sob bitterly in your bed.

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Sleep Deprivation

I wanted to write about sleep deprivation because I suffered from it for a year and occasionally still do therefore I can account for some of the symptoms and give you my general experience of it.

Why did I suffer from it? It was basically out of my own will, I was thinking of the present moment for me and my partner and not future consequences. It all started with getting a second job. I was working already in a shop on a full-time position with random shifts while the open hours were 7am-10pm. I always did 40 hours there , 45 if you count the unpaid lunch breaks. After some time we tried to help what we thought to be a friend to find a job while he stayed in our apartment. We pulled some strings and got him for an interview and he was sure to get it. It was nothing special, cleaning the gym at night nonetheless it was a start so he could get money and look for something else. Being grateful for all our help he didn’t bother taking it so I decided to give it a shot as extra money doesn’t hurt (not entirely true). Starting every day at 10:30pm and finishing at 3:30am I was now doing 65hr a week, Yes I know some people do more but that’s not what it’s about. Did I mention that I was still going to he gym whenever I could?

For the most of the year when I was working I only slept 2.5-4 hours. So let’s get to facts and science, I will list the effects of sleep deprivation and comment me experience on each.

Generally, sleep deprivation may result in:

  • yawning – To be honest I don’t know if there ever was a day I didn’t yawn but during that period it occurred more often with each week.
  • aching muscles – very soon most of my muscles started to be sore and tense.
  • periorbital puffiness, commonly known as “bags under eyes” – commenting this seems pointless you know how it is with bags.
  • hand tremor – After a while I noticed my hands to be very shaky and getting worse for a certain period to a point where I occasionally dropped objects but then declined again for some reason.
  • headaches – I noticed them quickly and had them almost every day but they were minor and not worth complaining about , they were getting worse with less sleep while occasionally unbearable.
  • malaise – It was kicking in but wasn’t serious, malaise is feeling of unease, discomfort or pain and I had trouble to be comfortable anywhere.
  • confusion, memory lapses or loss – After few months I had trouble telling what day it was as going to work on monday and coming back home on Tuesday made it hard to track, I often forgot what I was doing when performing certain tasks and I had real trouble recalling events from previous days and weeks.
  • development of false memory – This was rare , it happened maybe 4 or 5 times over the year where I was completely certain I did some things that actually never happened most of it was work related like forgetting to order stock because I thought that last weeks events were actually happening yesterday etc.
  • depression – This is an uneasy topic to discuss due to many stages of depression and people not entirely understanding what it actually is. But after some reasearch I was well on track to it as common symptoms suggested I should have it I personally didn’t fell depressed but I can’t say I was happy either.
  • stye – Although it felt like it every morning, thankfully I did not have any bad swelling of the eyelids.
  • increased blood pressure – I did not check my pressure in that year so I can’t say anything except that it is normal at present day.
  • increased stress hormone levels – Stress was already part of the daily routine and kept increasing all the time.
  • increased risk of diabetes – we run into that risk every day but for now I’m safe.
  • increased risk of fibromyalgia – Check on that one, heightened pain sensitivity , tiredness , weakness in limbs , muscle twitching and few other symptoms.
  • irritability – Most of the time everything  irritated me, sometime it would come in waves where I was sitting happy and next second I was really angry and wanted to destroy everything in sight.
  • nystagmus (rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement) – I am not sure, nobody ever pointed it out so it’s probably another false memory, so I say no to this one.
  • obesity – No, I lost 5 kg in first 3 weeks but regained it after few months and my weight was constantly shifting somewhere between 70-75kg.
  • seizures – Thankfully I didn’t have any
  • temper tantrums in children – I guess there is some child left in me, luckily I was able to very quickly control myself
  • mania – I don’t think I can assign it to me, scientific description is a little bit fitting but not full on.
  • Insomnia – This also developed but not in severe stages.

Making this list made me realize how bad it actually was for me, I always knew that sleeping so little while putting out so much energy is bad, but never thought so many side effects come from it. There is also many risks that come from it like diabetes , heart disease , growth suppression, and risk of car accidents.

Did you know that sleeping too little or too much can cause Turrets? Also it is impossible to stay completely sleep deprived unless you have Fatal familial insomnia which is very rare and as the name suggest is always fatal as there is no cure. It is impossible due to micro sleeps which we do involuntarily when we try to keep awake our brain goes to sleep for less than a second sometimes more which we all experienced when you try to stay up but every now and then your head falls and you wake up. I am still experiencing it at work during night shifts during monotonous tasks. I occasionally get short hallucinations with the micro sleeps which sometime are disturbing.

While moving houses last month I was driving 1000km a week and I had serious trouble staying awake and micro sleeps coming relentlessly. Thankfully I was lucky enough to not have an accident behind the wheel.

There is definitely more symptoms of sleep deprivation out there and to experience the ones I did you don’t have to be sleeping bad for so long they come on pretty quickly, so if someone tells you he doesn’t sleep well for some time be thoughtful and don’t annoy him more than he is and if possible just let them sleep.

It is time to cut this post short as I am depriving myself of sleep again by writing untill 2am. This post might be edited and extended so check back in near future and have a good sleep it’s worth it.